What recession?

A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: ‘What’s the hold-up?’ The policeman replies: ‘The Prime Minister is so depressed he’s stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we’re taking up a collection for him.’ The lobbyist asks: ‘How much have you got so far?’ The officer replies: ‘About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.’

The average Brit is just £155 away from financial meltdown, according to recent research. An Opinium survey reveals 12 million of us currently struggle to cope with monthly bills, and 39% of us would be in trouble if we had to find just £50 extra each month. Essential bills now account for over two thirds of household income, which equates to £1,378 on average each month per person and £2,001 for families.

Research elsewhere found we spend £1,000 a year average on clothes. Recession hasn’t impacted on clothing budgets for those 56% of people who admit they spent the same over the past year as they would do normally. On average people buy three designer items each year.

More than half of people living in Britain are so scared of losing their job in the current climate that they risk their health by working through illness. Medical insurers Simply Health found 43% of employees haven’t taken any days off in the last 12 months (a 20% increase over 2008). One in five complain they are not believed when calling in sick.

And one in five UK 16-24 year olds are now unemployed, according to the Office for National Statistics. Official unemployment has reached a 14 year peak at 2.47m – the highest since May 1997.

Indeed, almost one in four working Brits are contemplating jobs overseas within the next two years, says Foreign Currency Direct. Men are twice as likely as women to opt for a job abroad. A fifth of those asked would look to Australia, whilst one in six would choose the USA. New Zealand and Canada are also popular choices.

Uncertainty has now reached Japan. In the last seven days, Origami bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was also announced that Karaoke Bank will go up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended today after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on after sharp cutbacks, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.